4

11/14/05 9:38pm.

 

Between the ages 7&8 I smoked marijuana, drank, received the many in a long line of pointless beatings from any number of the hundreds of relatives living in my house after my father had to leave for Germany. I was made to have sex various times 2 people in the house, one a family member. Everything between age 7 and now has felt like a blur, other than the birth of my children, the moment my ex wife leaned away from me when I kissed her on the altar, and the day my real mother died in her bedroom while I sat alone with her.

I'm scared to stop moving, to stop thinking because there is not a day that doesn't go by that I am not still in that room with her in my mind for a moment; she has been gone now for 2 years. She was the second woman that ever loved me, and without trying, she contradicted what I thought to be an altruism; that as a man, you were only as good to a woman as what you could do for her and that as a man, your feelings were insignificant, and though she wasn't the last woman to ever make me feel this way, it is still a very short list nonetheless.

I was at one point voted the ugliest boy in school. (Self pitying, I know, but I had to get that out.)

My birth mother was and is one of the most sociopathic, narcissistic human beings on the planet. The only thing that saddens me more than the fact that I doubt she ever truly loved me as her child, is that the only reason I was born was as a means to an ends, nothing more, and that's pretty much the extent of our relationship. I am only worried I'll inherit her self-involved, codependent tendencies, I question my judgements at times, and I distance myself from even those I am close to, and those I find easy to manipulate for fear of myself.

I have spent the majority of my life "manufacturing people" as a friend once put it, unwilling subconsciously to see them for what the are and making them out to be more than that. When you grow up feeling you were born a sin, you tend to avoid seeing the flaws in others because for one you can't see them past your own, and in terms of love you don't want to admit that this person is incapable of loving you because you are scared to face the truth from your jaded perpsective that they may never be able to love you with you pretending they do, that maybe no one ever can.

I am ashamed to be around my father because I just found out I may not even be his child. He has always been aware of this, and though he accepts me as his own, I can't help but feel guilt and shame, having prevented him from living the life he could have led, which may have been a better one.

I have fought to keep my self-hatred from affecting my opinion of others, as well as the crippling need to judge, and subscribe to finality and absolutes, and I have been for the most part successful. 90% of the people I have met in the past few years have been exactly what I have thought them to be, and that usually varies in terms of good or for that matter, bad.

I've gotten by with more than a little help from my friends, I love the family I have left and I consider them all one and the same, and hope I never let them forget that.