11
Sometime in August
I honestly have no idea what I’m doing. Ever since the separation, which I can’t wait wait to blossom in to a divorce I feel like I’ve been scrambling to catch up with life altogether. I’ve been in my apartment for about 4 months now, and it still looks like I just moved in. I barely clean up, and I honestly don’t want to. I feel like I’ve been taking hits everyday and everyday I wake up, leave, and make it back home through the door is an accomplishment on grand scale. Some days I can’t even summon up the strength to think, and it’s all I can do to even breathe. I feel like if it wasn’t for my kids and my poetry and my woman I’d be dead by now and in more ways than one. I honestly just don’t care anymore and now there are fewer and fewer things giving me reason to. It feels like anything I do above scraping the barrel is a headache. I think I fear success on any real level, because it scares me to think I could fall even further should I fail. I think about success and I don’t think about how far up I could go, but how far down I could fall should I fail. So I stay mid level, because I get just enough to gratify myself and then I sink back down because there are fewer things safer than mediocrity, or as comfortable as an excuse. I am a bona fide Class A failure. A bum just got on the bus, drunk and well within his stupor, lost if you ask him what he’ll do in the next 3 minutes and God forgive me but I envy him. My whole life I’ve never felt like I could be anything, so I don’t know whether to call this a slump or a high point.
I honestly have no idea what I’m doing. Ever since the separation, which I can’t wait wait to blossom in to a divorce I feel like I’ve been scrambling to catch up with life altogether. I’ve been in my apartment for about 4 months now, and it still looks like I just moved in. I barely clean up, and I honestly don’t want to. I feel like I’ve been taking hits everyday and everyday I wake up, leave, and make it back home through the door is an accomplishment on grand scale. Some days I can’t even summon up the strength to think, and it’s all I can do to even breathe. I feel like if it wasn’t for my kids and my poetry and my woman I’d be dead by now and in more ways than one. I honestly just don’t care anymore and now there are fewer and fewer things giving me reason to. It feels like anything I do above scraping the barrel is a headache. I think I fear success on any real level, because it scares me to think I could fall even further should I fail. I think about success and I don’t think about how far up I could go, but how far down I could fall should I fail. So I stay mid level, because I get just enough to gratify myself and then I sink back down because there are fewer things safer than mediocrity, or as comfortable as an excuse. I am a bona fide Class A failure. A bum just got on the bus, drunk and well within his stupor, lost if you ask him what he’ll do in the next 3 minutes and God forgive me but I envy him. My whole life I’ve never felt like I could be anything, so I don’t know whether to call this a slump or a high point.
posted by Element615 at 1:42 AM
4 Comments:
sigh...i just wish i could love the pain away joe, take it away and replace it with everything you need. don't settle with what life throws at you, or the women who cross your path.
you are a beautiful thoughtful soul, with so much to offer.
don't let this world silence you. i will always ask you to speak
i love you
"I am a bona fide Class A failure. A bum just got on the bus, drunk and well within his stupor, lost if you ask him what he’ll do in the next 3 minutes and God forgive me but I envy him. My whole life I’ve never felt like I could be anything, so I don’t know whether to call this a slump or a high point."
i wish you wouldnt diminish your qualities joe. like shelle, i too wish that the love we had for you could easily drown the tidal waves that threaten to swallow you. patience, my dear, element. you'll ind what you're looking for and it'll be what you actually need instead of merely what you want... :)
breathe, step, shake... breathe, step, shake...
Hey Joe, been meaning to stop by, but time wouldn't allow it, i now see why.
Life as a way of fucking with us sometimes, that's why they call her a bitch. Do what you do best baby, God made you a man for a reason, make her succumb to you.
Luckly i'm a lesbian, or I wouldn't know how to deal with her myself.
Love,
Jai
:-)
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