2

11/14/05 12:50pm.
I got fired today. I had really looked forward to getting this job, had planned to work at making it more than a check to check milk run. I had a feeling I would but I had hoped I was wrong, which has been a really good feeling lately. I had been logging incorrectly on the phone, and when you do that, it registers you as not logged in, or late. I had assumed, or more to the point was told, that when you login incorrectly, you hear a really rude tone noise on your phone, which I had not been hearing. While I don't want to point fingers because it doesn't feed my children, I'm not going to sit here and tell you I made it a point to be late, I just fell victim to my own negligence, obviously. But none the less they coupled the tardies with a number of absences I had accrued in training along with a recent sick day I had took (the bus strike, riding w/friends-who I by no means blame-had car issues, whereas I should have played it safe and took the bus all along ) and decided to part ways with me as of this morning. I left with my head up, not about to indulge in self pity or hindsight given all teh hell I've been through and I left. I ran into my friend, one of my kindred poets on the way to the bus stop. I told him what had happened, and he wished me well with the concern family gives and we parted ways towards seperate futures until our next intersection. I began brainstorming, calling all the temp agencies to reinstate my status as available, and fought the urge to lament on the bus home. I had pondered even fighting to keep this apartment now that I had a job, but push shoves the minute it comes through the door, so I'll need to land something soon, and get my unemployment back on line so I can get my children's christmas gifts, which are pretty much to say the least the priority right now and always, as I'd call a cardboard box the hilton to keep it that way.

1

11/09/05 11:09pm
I had my first feature today. It was at Mitchie's African American art gallery. I was told ahead of time that I would be the feature. I got ready. I selected my pieces in interest of time and subject matter. I developed the sequence in which they should be said, to include commentary in between each piece, for substance. Everything was as it should be, which is why it amazes me that I choked so badly. I almost literally completely flopped. If my pieces weren't as good as people say they were the show would have been a total loss. I wanted to apologize and walk off the stage.There were 3 or 4 great poets in the stage, and I wanted to stop and ask one of them to come up and pick my slack because I sucked. I was shaky nervous, and they knew it. I forgot lines, I got them mixed up, and I came off sounding contrived at best.I want to be better at this, I need to be but I get up there and I get the shakes. Reggie told me he didn't even notice, plus the crowd wasn't that responsive anyway. But I did manage to secure another feature, and I sold 4 of the last five chapbooks I had.