5

rice

ramen

cereal

milk

stop

chicken

bread

peanut butter

think

jelly

breathe

bologna

admit it happened

juice

sugar

let it go

koolaid

honey

lemon juice

write it down

bananas

yogurt

apples

oranges

burritoes

make peace with yourself

flour tortillas

picante sauce

bell peppers

tomatoes

try to remember the last time you dreamed while you slept

cheese

sleep

shredded cheese

wake up

chicken

frozen pizza

eggs

lettuce

become uncomfortable with excuses, especially yours

whiting fish

curry powder

cookies

broccoli

soup

try to see if recognize the person in the mirror

chips

ranch dressing

Italian dressing

try to find a reckoning with that person

ice cream

coffee dark

espresso

maraschino cherries

Worcestershire sauce

mushroom

chili

juice

try, period

cabbage

pistachios

grapes

paprika

pepper

forgive yourself for being born

tell your father you love him

dried garlic

forgive your birth mother for not being one

onions

biscuits

flour

spaghetti

spaghetti sauce

honor your real mother

vienna sausages

tea

flavored syrup for coffee

macaroni

let the 8 year old boy go because your 7 year old son needs you

sorbet

kiss your children

gum

canned pineapples

pray for your children

capers

croissants

thank God for your children

bagels

cream cheese

crackers

tomato juice

talk to God

cottage cheese

raisins

peaches

banana peppers

vanilla wafers

stand up for yourself (and say something)

beef stew

sit down with yourself (and say something)

onion dip

cheese dip

feel better than you do about yourself right now

fettucini 

angel hair pasta

waffles 

make sure no one ever feels the way you do about yourself right now

trail mix

don't settle for less than you give unless the other person's trying

popcorn 

don't manufacture people

olive oil

repair instead of rebuilding yourself

green bean  

fail and

mustard

ketchup

relish

hot dogs

the lesson

pepperoni  

live

muffin mix 

acknowledge the fact that you'll die one day

cornbead mix 

try to do as much as you can to make up for the fact that you'll eventually die one day

cheesecake mix 

earn the right to die

jello 

try not to wish death upon others

pretzels 

try not to wish you were dead

cashews 

pity those who would assume they could do or say worse about you

than you can

pistachios 

laugh

spinach 

cry

apple butter 

hope

cous cous 

push

soysauce 

trust

peas

change without changing

oatmeal 

get angry

hamburger meat 

calm down

salsa 

resolve

cinnamon 

justify your existence on this earth to no one

brown sugar  

listen to your own voice and love it

talapia 

finish your poems

ceasar salad

spinach dip

ravioli

 

4

11/14/05 9:38pm.

 

Between the ages 7&8 I smoked marijuana, drank, received the many in a long line of pointless beatings from any number of the hundreds of relatives living in my house after my father had to leave for Germany. I was made to have sex various times 2 people in the house, one a family member. Everything between age 7 and now has felt like a blur, other than the birth of my children, the moment my ex wife leaned away from me when I kissed her on the altar, and the day my real mother died in her bedroom while I sat alone with her.

I'm scared to stop moving, to stop thinking because there is not a day that doesn't go by that I am not still in that room with her in my mind for a moment; she has been gone now for 2 years. She was the second woman that ever loved me, and without trying, she contradicted what I thought to be an altruism; that as a man, you were only as good to a woman as what you could do for her and that as a man, your feelings were insignificant, and though she wasn't the last woman to ever make me feel this way, it is still a very short list nonetheless.

I was at one point voted the ugliest boy in school. (Self pitying, I know, but I had to get that out.)

My birth mother was and is one of the most sociopathic, narcissistic human beings on the planet. The only thing that saddens me more than the fact that I doubt she ever truly loved me as her child, is that the only reason I was born was as a means to an ends, nothing more, and that's pretty much the extent of our relationship. I am only worried I'll inherit her self-involved, codependent tendencies, I question my judgements at times, and I distance myself from even those I am close to, and those I find easy to manipulate for fear of myself.

I have spent the majority of my life "manufacturing people" as a friend once put it, unwilling subconsciously to see them for what the are and making them out to be more than that. When you grow up feeling you were born a sin, you tend to avoid seeing the flaws in others because for one you can't see them past your own, and in terms of love you don't want to admit that this person is incapable of loving you because you are scared to face the truth from your jaded perpsective that they may never be able to love you with you pretending they do, that maybe no one ever can.

I am ashamed to be around my father because I just found out I may not even be his child. He has always been aware of this, and though he accepts me as his own, I can't help but feel guilt and shame, having prevented him from living the life he could have led, which may have been a better one.

I have fought to keep my self-hatred from affecting my opinion of others, as well as the crippling need to judge, and subscribe to finality and absolutes, and I have been for the most part successful. 90% of the people I have met in the past few years have been exactly what I have thought them to be, and that usually varies in terms of good or for that matter, bad.

I've gotten by with more than a little help from my friends, I love the family I have left and I consider them all one and the same, and hope I never let them forget that.

3

Even when you tried your best to love me you berated, I gave all the love I could and you laughed at my feelings while they died on the floor inbetween us from never being reciprocated. I stood through it all bewildered and gullible enough to believe I was the problem and to this day I am grateful you loved me wrong because from it I learned how to love me right. And I walk away from your heart's house rules insearch of one who loves with honesty and without fear, with a willingness to love sincerly and bravely and with equal humilty and after all the years and thoughts of you have passed and your words have become a long dissapated sound unable to haunt me like some poison I long ago inbibed, I sit serene with my righteous one smiling, for in spite of you, I have survived.